Boyfriend Emotional Abuse, and What You the Victim Can Do About It

When we talk about boyfriend emotional abuse we will talk about it from two angles, for there are two contributing factors in this relationship. First is the dysfunction of the Abuser, the boyfriend, and his need to belittle, shame, and otherwise control his girlfriend. Second is the participation of the girlfriend in the abuse situation. While she may have been unaware of his emotional posture originally, if she does not liberate herself soon after, then it is because she has unfinished emotional business of her own. Moreover, having an abuser in her life, with her being the victim actually serves her psychological agenda! Boyfriend emotional abuse oftentimes had two willing partners.

Oftentimes the real situation is not one dysfunctional person mistreating an innocent non-dysfunctional victim, as with a parent and a natural child. It is usually two dysfunctional and matching people acting out compatible roles. The boyfriend’s need is for a victim to humiliate, shame and control, because he has unresolved issues in his childhood from his parents, likely his mother. Having a girlfriend such as her serves his purposes nicely because she is controllable through need of his approval, which he of course will never give. If he did approve of her, he would be releasing her into freedom, something he definitely does not want!

For the girlfriend, having a controlling, abusing boyfriend is convenient because it gives her virtue. Victims are innocent, and the more abuse you endure, the more virtuous you are. We know it as ‘virtue by victimization’, or borrowing virtue. For someone who feels herself without value, being a victim adds to her that missing sense of virtue. By being a victim of her boyfriend’s emotional abuse, while being loyal, she is being an honorable girlfriend to him.

For her the victim, he is an easy source of all the purity, honor, and virtue that she could want. It is very comforting and secure, because someday she can fix him, he will change, and she and he will live happily ever after. So says the logic of the dysfunctional.

The remedy for this setup can come from the parents if the participants are teenagers in school or early adult life. Concerned parents do have some authority because of the monetary superiority they wield. Teenagers are dependent upon the parents financially for many years because of the extreme cost of living independently.

Parents can place restrictions on the teenagers to force compliance to therapy, or at the least a breakup of the abusive relationship. They must also remedy the emotional needs of the two. The best attack for that is to examine the self-esteem needs of the abusive boyfriend by his parents. For the girl, to examine the parental approval needs she has by her parents. The boy and girl both are reacting to an unmet need and unfinished business from a previous parent or guardian, perhaps not the present parent, but a stepparent, or parent’s spouse. When addressing this relationship between the young people, the parents need to keep in mind that they are actually addressing their own relationship issues with their children in this matter. The boyfriend emotional abuse is just a manifesting symptom.

Forbidding contact between the abuser and the victim by the parents will stop the problem temporarily. It will not solve it. It will only delay its emergence until later on. Then the emotions will be deeper and the energies stronger.

If your loved one is abusing you, look deeply into your own feelings. Ask yourself, ‘what is the real reason I am in this relationship?’ You deserve better than having to be his punching bag or target of shame so he can take out his rage on you. You do not have to put up with boyfriend emotional abuse and humiliation. There is a saying in higher psychology and metaphysics that says, “Where my heart seeks to travel the road will rise to meet my feet.” What that means is that when I make a choice in my best interest, life, and God will provide for me the resources to go in that right direction, as I step towards it. Whatever it is that you need to get away from this person, God will provide. What that also means is God sent you that abusive relationship, possibly anchored in your childhood, to teach you something about yourself. Seek that lesson and learn it well. It will only be if you take the abuse out of the victim in the inside, can the victim get away from the abuse forever on the outside. Boyfriend emotional abuse does not have to be your destiny, or that of your child.

Please check out our first in series book Overcoming Depression from Emotional Abuse/The Tools of Your Mind. In it, we take you through your spiritual journey back home to your Original Self. It specifically addresses emotional abuse and relationship issues, and God's intended lessons behind it. We talk about God's purpose behind that soul’s journey, as we follow our heart’s dreams to our ultimate destiny. We answer many questions about selfishness, prosperity, psychotherapy, and finding our dreams and happiness. We also talk much about our boundaries, how to see them and defend them aggressively. We also talk about the spiritual controls we have within to bring our good to us. Those controls are our Sincerity Switch, Spontaneity Switch, and lastly our Feelings and Dreams Switch.

This is the ultimate book on your type of situation.

God bless you in your recovery or in the help of your friends. We would love to hear from you! Please contact us any time to share your trials and victories with us! We answer every email we receive personally.

Thank you for visiting.

Shayne and Lori North

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Overcoming Depression from Emotional Abuse/The Tools of Your Mind The Book