Confused - abused by husband

My husband, I suspect is emotional abusing me. I am not sure...just because it's so confusing. He tells me every single day that I look bad, my skin looks bad, my nose looks bad. And that I'm just a bad looking person. One day when someone rear ended into my car, he blamed me for it and said that I was 'bad luck' it was my presence that caused the accident.


The thing is after he says these things he is very affectionate and feels sorry for saying them. He also says 'I have to tell the truth, if I think you are looking ugly, I will say it, because it is in front of my eyes'. Also while having an argument he almost always tells me that I am a terrible person, I am a bad person and that I deserve to be surrounded by people who are not nice to me. He also says that had be been a bad person he would have left me long back as I have a lot of defects in me. Of course after saying these things in an argument, when he cools off, he apologizes and says that he just said those things to hurt me at the time because he was mad at me but he doesn't mean them. This is a cycle that follows. Am I being abused?


I am also conscious of being around him as I feel that when he is looking at me, he is looking at my face and thinking in his head how ugly I look.


I'm not a bad looking person. I am 5 ft 7 inches tall, 120 lbs, used to be a model in my early 20s, I am 29 now. The thing is, he also loves animals and dogs and when he is nice to me he is very nice, plans vacations for us and also doesn't curb my independence. All these things make it all the more confusing.

Please share your views with me. Is this just a case of bad temper or emotional abuse? or something in between or something totally different?


Thank you for your sharing. Your husband is abusing you in a textbook fashion, and it is abuse that you do not deserve. You deserve a life with a loving partner who worships the ground you walk on. His telling you everyday that you look bad is his way of breaking down your morale and keeping you in shame so that you will need him.


His assertion that if he was bad he would leave you is another example of creating a sense of obligation to him, as if he is doing you a favor for staying with you! His assertion of the rear ending accident being your fault, because you are bad luck is further proof that he will distort any event to make his case that you are bad and undeserving.


The only thing that causes accidents is the inattentiveness of the perpetrating driver, never the victim. He does mean those things and using his pretend temper problem as an excuse to deliver them is his way of getting you to see things through his eyes instead of your own eyes.

The reason his actions are so confusing is because he is intentionally sending you mixed messages on purpose to confuse you emotionally. You are reading things right, and learning to trust your emotions, and that is good. That sending good gifts with his abuse is part of his tactic, and it is classic abuse.


How nice he is in a good mood is irrelevant, he is abusing you when he is in a bad mood and that is the issue. You know your feelings are important, and he is arguing that they are not important because ‘he did not mean it, he was only angry.’


All the good behavior when one is good does not make up for painful lies when one is angry. It is not your job to interpret his abuse as nurturement; it is his job to offer real nurturement instead of abuse, period!


Remember our Soul’s boundaries: Seeing things through our own eyes, feeling our own feelings, thinking our own thoughts, and making our own choices. It sounds like you are beginning to discover these.


So what are you going to do about it? It is your responsibility to reclaim your boundaries back.
Just for the record, I bet you are very beautiful and many loyal adoring men would tell you so. You do not need to dump this one, just set some strong ground rules, and that may be all it takes.

Please follow up later on!

God bless and thanks for sharing your needs.

Shayne

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