 |
Coping with a Breakup of MarriageCoping with a Breakup of Marriage The end of a marriage is not the end of the world. A relationship can end for a variety of reasons, not all of them bad, or due to immorality, and not all of them because of the inadequacy of its two partners. Adjusting to a breakup of marriage means first not seeing marriage as a one-time-only event, where you are a loser if you do not get it right the first time. You have not ‘failed’ at marriage because the relationship you are in is ending. Coping with the end of a relationship is nobody's business but the partners with a vested interest. Closing one door We want to give you our sincerest respect and consolation. Because you probably deserve some support right now. You are coping with a breakup of marriage in the proper manner by seeking counsel to make the right decision for both of you. We are proud of you for entering into the holy bonds of matrimony with the sincerest of intentions and putting forth the greatest of efforts. We are sure you have. Nevertheless, we are all human and the ideals we strive for are not always attainable on the first try. Here is our take on things from where you are, because we were there ourselves, and this is where we learned the greatest lesson of our lives. Often times we see a divorce, separation, annulment or other such legal ending as a failure and an incorrect choice in what is supposed to be a lifetime institution. Our Judeo-Christian culture had instilled in us the belief that all marriages can last forever, if we stick to it and work out the problems through God’s help and the counsel of our Christian brothers. However, the longstanding wisdom of the ages does not hold up in the light of practical reality. Life is much more fluid today, both socially and economically, than at any time in human history; this is not all bad, and it is just life in the modern world. The fluid employment settings of today, the instability in all professions and the exodus of attention from the home to the outside world for all family members has put unique strains on our traditional family structure. Family structures change because life changes. Successfully coping with a breakup of marriage is part of accepting these changes in modern life. Traditional family roles have never been as hard to define as they are today for many families. How you perceive the breakup and how you respond to it can magnify the negative effects to the point of destroying the lives of the individuals involved. There is one factor to keep in mind about life overall. We are here to grow and to learn, and by doing that, to serve. That is our soul’s purpose for being on this earth. The marriage you are presently in is a relationship, and as partners grow, you may grow closer together, or you may grow farther apart. If both partners are willing to face the obstacles God sends them to overcome, and they follow the role of their personalities, one being the leader, the other the follower, they will grow closer together. If one becomes less interested in growth than the other becomes, and the one does not choose to learn and to grow, nor be the follower, then the marriage no longer serves a practical purpose. Remaining in a partnership with no common ground between partners is failure itself. The end of a marriage is also the beginning of new lives for both of you. All marriages are a success if it taught you each more about your selves. Any marriage will be a failure if neither partner has learned a single thing. I have known several marriages where the partners are still married, and they and their marriages are absolute failures! They are actually still married because they could not cope with life otherwise. They use each other as codependent crutches. Do not be too hard on yourself. There are costs to ending a marriage; relocation of one of the partners, the agreement over suitable child support, the dissolution of common assets, such as real estate and savings, and establishment of visitation rights. These changes are hard, but facing these obligations is a necessity for each of you to grow and to move on. Your choice to break up is wise, for it shows you are facing reality. Choosing to stay in a relationship that no longer contains common ground and interests as when the marriage began is foolish. That would be failure in coping with a breakup of marriage. It will be an added burden upon you that outside parties may involve themselves based upon the conditions of the separation. These parties can be church members, co-workers, family members, and most intrusive of all are the courts. That is why it is important to break up on as friendly terms as possible. It is very stressful and hard to cope with your life when others intervene. A key to remember is that where both partners agree, the courts cannot intervene. Each judge and social service worker has an agenda to punish the man and support the woman, a very unfair view. In conclusion, look at your mutual choice to separate as a positive choice always. Parting ways may be necessary, for if you separate, you may find you may get along better, once apart. Furthermore, you may eventually get back together, once a certain present condition changes, as in the death of an intruding parent in law, or a retirement in a family business structure. Breakup is no more permanent than the marriage it replaces, and as you both change, you can reverse it, like the marriage itself. Coping with your personal issues apart from the marriage may make reuniting together as a family possible again. Remember, you two must make up your minds; do not let outsiders such as relatives make your decisions for you. Marriage is about serving the selfish growth interests of the two partners in common. Marriage is not about the partners selfish needs being subservient to the needs of the marriage. Marriage is a tool to serve the spiritual needs of those in common bond, it is not an end unto itself. The end unto itself is the spiritual growth needs of the partners, yourselves, for you must always be true to yourself. If you are true to yourself, you will also be nurturing and a blessing to all others around you. We wish you every success in this very difficult time of transition from one station in life to another. Take your time and talk to each other as much as you can in forming your decisions. Agree on as many things as possible. Remember, it is not a matter of one necessarily being right or wrong, it is more a matter of compatibility and incompatibility. Your egos will undergo much stress. Resist the temptation to use blame to justify choices. God bless you both as you make these life-changing decisions about your future and that of your children. We give you every respect and dignity you deserve at this critical time. You and your spouse are on the right track in coping with this separation, by seeking to do it right. A marriage should not mean giving up your identity, and separating from being a family will not give you that sense of self back, necessarily. Coping with some self-esteem issues may allow a renewed relationship later. For more on this subject please consider our first in series book Overcoming Depression from Emotional Abuse/The Tools of Your Mind. In it, we take you through your spiritual journey back home to your Original Self. We talk about God's purpose behind that soul’s journey, as we follow our heart’s dreams to our ultimate destiny. We answer many questions about selfishness, prosperity, psychotherapy, and finding our dreams and happiness. We share much about boundaries. We also talk about the spiritual controls we have within to bring our good to us. Those controls are our Sincerity Switch, Spontaneity Switch, and lastly our Feelings and Dreams Switch. Thank you for visiting us and please keep in touch, sharing your trials and your victories with us. We promise to answer personally every Email that we receive. Shayne and Lori North in Aurora, Colorado
Overcoming Depression from Emotional Abuse/The Tools of Your Mind The Book
|
