My dad said all women were whores

I grew up with this phrase, and now as an adult I feel like I have to prove that I am not one.

He called me a whore at 17, when I was a virgin. It still hurts and I am 31.

I count how many men I have slept with and kissed and compare the number with other girls my age to make sure it is a low one. This is irrational.

I have spent my teenage years and 20s assuming most men just wanted to use me to have sex with me, which now I know is not true. There are men who need love.

My father's unhealthy perceptions have made my love life difficult. He never sexually abused me. He began to pinch my butt when I was 12 and my mom talked to him, and asked him to stop. He did.

I know that he made my teenage years hell. I guess it was difficult for him to see me become a woman.

I will never forget, when at 14-years-old, I was taking a shower, and he began to knock on the door, and scream that he needed me to get out. I was terrified. I rushed, put a towel on, and walked out. He kicked my butt and scream some profanities. I felt violated. I felt disrespected. I went into my room and cried.

He was mean. He would say hurtful things, and when he would see that they were hurting, it would just get worst. Showing vulnerability at my home, just made you a target.

As a child, I grew up watching my mom's dignity get trampled on.

She was bruised both physically and emotionally. I saw him hurting her many times, but I was too young to understand the severity of the situation.

He would drink, smoke and listen to music late at night. Then I would wake up to find a cigarette burn on the couch and a plant broken. The living room was a mess. My nanny said my dad had tried to burn my mom's face with a cigarette.

I was too young to understand.

There was another time, when she was screaming for help, and when I rushed to the room, my father was holding her down, and turned to me and said -- "everything is o.k. honey, go watch T.V."

I believed him.

I grew up feeling very guilty for not defending her, so much so, that I felt the need to become her protector during my teens.

He hit me a few times, but all the times seemed justified. Lunch time was a nightmare. If I didn't eat, he would hold my face and force the food down. He was mean, but he was daddy. I loved him very much, and I knew he did too.

He was fun. He liked to go on trips and when he would get drunk and neglect me. I didn't mind. I was free to play for as long as I wanted. I heard the stories about him cheating on my mom. She always looked so paranoid and worried.

He was o.k. with me being a girl, it was when I started to become a woman that the worst of the abuse came to play. His anger was unpredictable. To him, I was an idiot, stupid, some one who was not even capable of washing dishes. To him, I was a whore.

Now I know, I was smart. I was beautiful. I was gifted. I was creative. I was talented. I was ambitious. I was spiritual. I was a young woman with a lot of potential. A woman with a good heart, who just needed love, guidance and support. Instead, I was forced to spend my energy defending myself from his attacks. They hurt.

I love my dad very much, my heart was broken.

I feel like I will always be going to relationships with my heart broken.

After years of therapy, I have learned new things. I am able to have meaningful friendships with men, and have learned that they have the same needs and wants than I do.

I have also learned that if a woman decides to sleep with a man, it doesn't make her a whore. It is her decision and no one should judge her for it. It is her body. I choose to be intimate with men whom I feel I can have a meaningful relationship with.

I want to be free of my past. And will probably have to work for the rest of my life to deal with the damage, but I am willing to grow.

I also spent my 20s trying to mend my relationship with my dad and worked hard to prove him wrong. He apologized and has made some efforts, but he is still unstable emotionally. He is irrational and difficult to be around.

I have decided to accept that it is too late for him to be a father. I can't be his friend, and so I have to cut all contact with him. It gives me peace. Life is short. I want to be happy.

Today I can choose my friends carefully. And I have very loving, respectful and nurturing friendships with both men and women.

Now I am trying to understand that some relationships won't work out no matter how much I try. Ending them is a good thing. It gives room for the right one to come.

I don't want to spend any more years of my life struggling to get love in the wrong places. I try to be as aware as possible so that I don't allow my painful past to completely rule my present.


Dear Sharer,

This sounds like you are well on your way to finding yourself, and your significance. When we start with the assertion that all women are whores, there is not much room for discussion is there!

You will continue and grow in strength and full realization of your stature. Your wisdom at that point will be a source of inspiration to many young ladies behind you, sadly, there a are plenty out there.

Shayne