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Relationship CompatibilityWhen we are concerned with relationship compatibility, we usually are questioning the integrity of a present situation. We may want to know if a present contact is good for us, or whether we should break contact and start a new life, as it were. Welcome to our website. Thank you for visiting. We will talk about the three main ingredients which make up a strong friendship, and where to begin to lay the spiritual foundation. No these ingredients are not generosity and selflessness necessarily, for they are just the opposite. To understand this compatibility, we must first understand relationships. We will share what a relationship is, and what it is not. Many people, feeling an indefinable emptiness, put too much expectation on the friendship to fill it, which any friendship is not able to provide. The tendency is to use others to add that element of completeness of your self. A common mistake is to confuse ‘loneliness for companionship’ with ‘emptiness within our self.’ While these feelings of need and emptiness are similar and excruciating, they are far from being the same, and have entirely different causes! To understand relationship compatibility, you must first understand fully your emotionality. You must be in touch with your feelings so you can be sure of their source. If you do not, you will not be able to find friendships with anything but another needful person who will wreck your life with their unreasonable expectations of you, as you will also do with them. Cardinal Rule Number One: Friendships should always be by choice, and never by need. Emotional need never creates commonality because it only creates chaos! To put it in simple words, be sure that you feel complete as a person first, before you seek someone with which to enter into a relationship. Relationship compatibility is about sharing your individuality and you successes, it is never about making the other person feel complete, and making them feel valuable. You must have a full sense of your individuality, which is who you are, what your values consist, and your interests and aspirations, before you begin to seek friendship or deep companionship. Emotional closeness is about the sharing of these attributes with another, which you must already know, and have emotional energy to defend, for any closeness to happen. You cannot have closeness with someone who does not know who they are, or what they like. Nor can anyone else find closeness to you either. You cannot create intimacy by being agreeable to another person just to gain his or her friendship and love. No one wants to have associations with a non-person. Therefore, the first step in emotional closeness is to get in touch with you, who you are, what your interests, ambitions, and definitely your sense of values are. If you do not have a very strong sense of your individuality, then you cannot find emotional closeness with anyone. If you want to go to Montana to work for a horse rescue foundation to save at-risk wild mustangs, you cannot have relationship compatibility with someone who wants to go to school to become a lawyer, and then later run for public office. Your destination is the wide expanses of a ranch in big sky country, their destination is the tall skyscrapers of a big metropolis, and therefore both your lives have different paths. Do not confuse commonality with the convenience. Commonality relationships last forever, and convenience relationships never last. Those convenience relationships are only a port in a storm. Commonality is similarities between values of religion, ambitions, viewpoint, lifestyle, which are good values because they are long-term values. They are ‘I choose to be here’ values. These are values in common permanently with this other person, such as military service, or growing up in the same town and attending the same class in school, or other similar characteristics important to both of you. So far, we have learned that we need to know who we are, we need to have a strong sense of our values, our identities, and we need to know our ambitions and desires for our future. This comprises the first factor in emotional closeness, which is the ability to detect others’ commonality to us. To find others similar to us, and find the right ones for us spend our lives, we must first understand ourselves. That makes finding similar others easy, but there is more. Now what is the next ingredient in strong friendships? The second of the three key elements we need to understand is our boundaries. A friendship with strong boundaries refers to the propensity for the other person to respect who you are, and to respect your physical and spiritual edges. To have strong ties, some people think they may require the other person to change in some way to earn their love. That kind of conditional love is not love at all. Cardinal Rule Number Two: Love does not mean crossed boundaries. Emotional intimacy and love is not the same as, nor does it permit crossed boundaries. Shared boundaries yes, but crossed boundaries, never! These boundaries are our physical boundaries and our spiritual boundaries as well. Spiritual boundaries are seeing things through our own eyes, thinking our own thoughts, feeling our own feelings, and lastly, making our own choices. The other person must not try to change you by putting his or her thoughts in your head, and forcing you to assume their views and opinions into your mind. In fact, the other person should deeply respect your views, such as religious, political, emotional, and other areas, and seek to defend their sacredness from ridicule from other people, and defend your right to have them. The other person must understand where your sacredness and your beauty begin, and where the rest of the world ends, and respect that boundary deeply. Without this second critical foundation of boundary awareness, there can be no emotional closeness to any degree. The last element in relationship compatibility is Nurturement. In any relationship, there will be givers and their will be takers. The exchange does not always have to be equal, as in the case with parenting. With children in our lives, it is all about the child taking and the parent giving, as the parent exists to be a role model for the child. The child never exists for servitude to the parent; the parent exists to be a source figure for the child. A good parent must put their ego needs aside and act in servitude to their children, and get their personal ego needs met elsewhere. In any friendship, we call this propensity to give emotionally ‘nurturement.’ We know this as ‘getting our selfish nurturement needs met.’ Each of us needs to have our feelings and views validated daily otherwise we would become overwhelmed. We need to share continuously, and to have someone listen, understand, and reflect our feelings along with us, so we may move on. The greatest ingredient in any friendship is the ability to care for, and want to share the world of the other person. That means listening to and being with that person when they need you. Each of us needs an audience to listen to us when we need to get something off our chest. The most important trait a friend or loved one must possess is the skill of knowing when it is important to listen and to give you the time you need. Loving friends like that are very hard to find, and worth keeping when you do find them! Cardinal Rule Number Three: Listening and sharing builds the strongest emotional ties. Relationship compatibility is about understanding the significance of your self. In the end, any friendship is not about the other person, it is always about you, and that is as it should be. When you can look within that beauty and uniqueness which is inside of you, and then find the commonality of that in others, that is the beginning. The next part is to understand your edges of you, and the boundaries of your life, and then you can find others who respect those edges. The last step in relationship compatibility is sharing your feelings, and listening when the other person shares their feelings. Relationship compatibility is all about the participants and their life plans they feel within themselves. You must always have some degree of selfish perspective before you can build healthy relationships. For the other person to love you deeply, you must begin by loving yourself first, as well. Relationship compatibility is about being selfish, and then finding significant others to mirror you own self worth back to you. What is in your social life will match what is inside you. Relationship compatibility is about asserting your affirmation of your own self-esteem; it is never about expecting others in your world to make you feel important. Commonality Boundaries Nurturement If you understand and can identify all three specific Soul Skills that you must have, then you can find relationship compatibility. When you begin to feel your inner self, and the beauty within you, then you will begin to attract Nurturers to you whom you have much in common. To learn more about relationship compatibility, please consider our first in series book Overcoming Depression from Emotional Abuse/The Tools of Your Mind. In this book, we talk about the whole overview of our soul’s journey as we follow our heart’s dreams to our ultimate destiny. We answer many questions about selfishness, prosperity, psychotherapy, and finding our dreams and happiness. We talk much about our boundaries. We also talk about the spiritual controls we have within to bring our loved ones and our good to us. Those controls are our Sincerity Switch, Spontaneity Switch, and lastly our Feelings and Dreams Switch. Thank you for visiting us today and please keep in touch, sharing your trials and your victories with us. We promise to answer personally every Email that we receive. Shayne and Lori North in Aurora, Colorado
Overcoming Depression from Emotional Abuse/The Tools of Your Mind The Book
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