Self-Hatred: The Flip-Side of Emotional Abuse

by Aisha
(Durham, NC, USA)

I was emotionally abused as a child, but I didn't know it until I became an adult. My mother, who was herself a middle child and suffered neglect from her parents, was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive towards me--beating me for fabricated crimes, perpetually ridiculing me, humiliating me in front of company, commenting about my developing body and accusing me of being an oversexed seductress.


My father never intervened and was generally very aloof. After some investigation as an adult, I discovered that my parents, now divorced for 13 years, had a marriage of convenience. My mother wanted more children, in addition to the two from a previous marriage whom she somewhat neglected, and my father reluctantly agreed. What my mother didn't plan for was that she became pregnant with fraternal twin girls--she apparently fainted during the ultra sound when she heard the news--and when I was born underweight and needed extra attention, she took her frustrations out on me.



I actually have snatches of memories from infancy, and I particularly remember fearing being abandoned. When I was big enough to stand in my crib, I would scream if I saw that my sister had been gotten up before I had. When my mother bathed us, she would remove my sister from the bathtub first, and I usually panicked.


My mother, I've discovered, is a sadist. Throughout our lives, my mother has generally shown favoritism towards my sister, allowing her to participate in disciplining me or holding confidential conversations with her about matters concerning me.


All this wreaked havoc on my self-esteem and emotional balance, which somatized into obsessive compulsive disorder by the age of 7, auto-immune skin disorders by the age of 13, and occasional panic attacks by my mid-twenties.



I learned to be a people-pleaser, overly compliant, neglecting my own needs and allowing others to trespass my boundaries.




Matters haven't improved much since I've become an adult, and my communications with my family have grown increasingly more strained. It seems I attract abusive situations wherever I go: from sexual harassment by my adviser at school (I'm finishing up a doctoral program), to therapists who have violated my trust, to social exclusion on the part of my colleagues, to being treated as a flunky by my so-called friends.


But I've especially encountered abuse from men, who have raped and humiliated me and treated me as though I was deserving of only the least amount of consideration they could muster.


One of my rapists told me he "loved" me mid-act.
I think I have doubted for all of my adult life that romantic love was possible for me. Most recently, I discovered that a man I have been in love with for the past year had actually brainwashed me into believing that we had a relationship that would turn serious.



He was significantly older than I was and initially told me that he was old-fashioned and believed in courtship. It's so disgusting to me when I think about it that it strikes me as criminal.

Yet, I discovered in the course of the relationship that some part of my psyche had learned to eroticize abuse, particularly neglect and attempts to arouse jealousy. I had sexual fantasies about being humiliated in front of his friends, beaten, and raped.


Initially, the man was extremely charming and conciliatory, and as much as I've learned to keep my guard up and listen to my gut, he got the better of me. Falling in love was probably the only defense my psyche could provide against the heap of humiliation to follow. I'm too ashamed to tell how he ended our "relationship," but suffice it to say, I learned that I was nothing more than a sexual plaything and that this time, I had been raped of my feelings, which this man practically bullied me into confessing.

It took several psychic advisers until I finally found one who helped me realize the truth--that this man was not coming back and did not ever love me. And still, I manage to have some hope that someone will love me and tell me sincerely.


As I write this, I'm urging myself to believe that if I don't make a change--if I don't stop hating myself--I will continue to attract this kind of abuse into my life, that love comes when we love ourselves, that the more I let people mistreat me without vocally protesting in the moment, the more impossible it becomes for even decent people to love me, that love doesn't mean intensity but simply allowing me to be in my full splendor.


I need to learn to be turned off by abuse, even to eroticize some other mode of relation. I've asked myself repeatedly, "What makes someone worthy of love?" And the most logical answer I can come up with is that anyone who exists deserves to be loved. That one exists makes one worthy of love.



Dear Aisha,
thanks for sharing. When you can learn to believe with your heart, that which you know in your mind, that anyone who exists deserve love, that will open doors for you.


You are very perceptive. You show an awareness of how your psychic posture attracts predators. You see the connection between how you view yourself and the low life abusers that self-view attracts. that is a big milestone, give yourself a big pat on the back for that. That is half the battle. The other part of the puzzle is in giving yourself permission to defend your dignity aggressively. That will come later.

Another thing you are sensing too is the incorrect association you have of elements of relationships and sex. You are aware of the fact you confuse abuse, love, and power from emotional need in incorrect ways. Another big milestone!
That part about your parent accusing you of being an oversexed seductress had to be terribly heartbreaking as a child. Yes, there is more beauty in you than as a object of sex. What you will find if you look with your heart, is a man who loves you and only you for yourself alone. I assure you he is waiting, but you must envision him, and envision you deserving him. You are very sharp mentally, being in college, you can do it.


You alluded to that you have had good luck with psychic advisers for counseling. If that weapon works then keep using it. Some of us use horoscopes, religion, numerology, it does not matter if it works for you use it.

What may help is to keep visiting your childhood experience, and remind yourself that what happened was not your fault, nor caused by you. When you can see yourself as worthy of a better childhood, and worthy of love then, you will see yourself as worthy of love now today. When that happens you will have clearer eyes in finding better relationships in the present, the loyal man we talked about above.

We wish you every happiness, which you deserve.


Shayne and Lori North

This moment of sharing brought to you by:

Our Book Overcoming Depression from Emotional Abuse/The Tools of Your Mind.