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Signs of a Bad RelationshipSigns of a bad relationship not only tell you how the other person is incompatible, they also tell you what you think of yourself. Until you fix how you see ‘you’ then you cannot fix or leave any bad relationship. The best way to think of the dynamics of a relationship, and the interaction of our social side, is to think of ourselves as wheels in a machine. Wheels transfer movement by touching with gears or by belts around them, as they rotate. Similarly, people transfer information, comfort, growth, and nurturement by their relationships as they interact. Healthy people bond together with good dynamics and grow their emotional stature by friendships with other nurturers. Wheels transfer movement and people transfer growth and healing. We might assume that good people would attract all others to themselves because they are good nurturers, and bad people would attract no one because they are poisoners and losers. The sad fact is that evil, consumptive, shaming losers attract as many friends and followers as do the emotionally empowered nurturers! Welcome to our website. Thank you for visiting. If you or a loved one is having trouble with a painful relationship, we wish you every blessing in helping you or them to recover. We hope we can be a source of encouragement to start the healing process to begin. The truth is that we humans are social animals and we all need other people. Some of us need to be around others very much, and others of us need very little contact with others, but we all must get our selfish nurturement needs met or we will die emotionally. Just as wheels need connection to other wheels to make their purpose complete, we need other people to help complete us. When we are children God and Life select which wheels we get our connection to as our parents, but after that, we select the wheels to which we connect, and what transfer of information, comfort, growth, and nurturement will take place. The first sign of a bad relationship would be control of one of the partners by the other in any way. One of the biggest mistakes we make is to equate love with control. As children there is the advantage nature gives the parent to dictate the activity of the child. This is good, as the child needs the overseeing of their guardian as they learn to interact safely with their world around them, until they gain the full body of knowledge required to lead an independent existence. However, as adults we need no supervision or control from others as we lead our lives. Any person who requires having to exercise control as a payment for their devotion to us is a poisoner. The indicators of this control are your gut feelings that you are not happy if you are a participant, or that something is not right if you are an observer. If there is a sense of dominance of one by the other, where the partner has to go to the leader for permission for everything, then that is unhealthy control. The controlling person will justify their exercise of power as saying ‘it is because they love the person, and they are doing it for their own good.’ They may further explain their activity as ‘having to think for the other person because they cannot think for themselves.’ if something bothers you about your spouse and you have to tolerate incursions into what you feel is your private space, then that is an example, and is definitely signs of a bad relationship. this matter needs addressed with open honest sharing of your feelings to reclaim your sovereign airspace over the land of 'you.' Signs of a bad relationship may not be overt enough to produce exact definable acts, for abusers and poisoners are very skilled at exercising control discreetly. Where there is nothing definite and concrete to put your finger on exactly, there will always be the gut feelings that something is not quite right. If you have that type of underlying feeling about a certain relationship, those feelings are rarely wrong. The next sign of a bad relationship is a sense of negative energy, where all the communication is argumentative, and occasionally threatening in nature. The communication focuses on the faults, stupidity, and the incompetence of the submissive one, or on their incorrectness. The conclusion and the standard are how right the dominant one is, and how dumb and wrong the submissive one is. There is much ‘I told you sos’ and ‘see what a mistake it would have been if we did what you wanted to do that time’ type of conversation. Most of the interaction centers on disagreements over such things as daily activities to views on religion and the spending of money. Another of the signs of a bad relationship is a very strong sense of imbalance of power, where the dominant one uses the submissive one as an extension of their identity, and how great and right they are. They may do everything they can to create need in the submissive one such as not permitting them to work outside the home, or leave the house unless escorted in person. Oftentimes there will be inequity over sharing of the family resources, such as the husband driving a new truck and having several show vehicles, while the wife has an older, inadequate vehicle. Oftentimes the controller will have difficulty finding work, while the submissive one will have two or more full time jobs.
Another one of the signs of a bad relationship is if there is very strong sense of imbalance of power where the controller uses their helplessness rather than their strength, to control the provider. as in the case of a helpless parent who uses guilt to control an adult child into caring for them, and not encouraging them to leave home and seek a life independently on their own. Signs of a bad relationship include duty, shame, or guilt as the reason for staying in it, as opposed to choice, love, and desire. Another of the signs of a bad relationship are when you never hear a 'thank you for being here,' or an 'I love you for who you are,' 'I appreciate you being in my life,' or 'What can I do to make you happy?' The next sign of a bad relationship is when the family system is closed and not open and free. Oftentimes jealousy is present, and the family group suspects all others as outsiders and see them as a danger to their family group, and they see the world as a hostile threat. The dominant one will place themselves between the world and their submissive partner, in the pretense of protecting them from harm. The family or couple will have all the warmth of a pride of lions fighting over scraps when they are hungry. The last sign of a bad relationship we will look at is the lack of spiritual identity of the victim, caused by severe boundary violation. This will result in their reluctance to share any side of themselves, and withdrawing into a passive shell, with no sense of boundaries of whom and what they are. The dominant person exercises the right to dictate reality to their submissive partner, thusly going into all four of their sacred areas of personhood. What the dominant person does is deny the submissive partner the permission to see things through their own eyes, feel their own feelings, think their own thoughts, and make their own choices. After a long time, the victim of such a bad relationship will have no sense of his or her spiritual areas, and live as an extension of another person for the sake of security. In these types of familial settings, absolutism is the rule, where there is only one right way to see everything, and that is of course the controller’s way. Oftentimes these types of people and family groups are deeply involved in religion. In their case however, it is an unhealthy involvement where they use religion is an extension of their hatreds, and not a vehicle of restoration and a source for encouragement and guidance, as it should be. We have all met people like that at one time or another. In the final analysis, signs of a bad relationship come down to the personal freedom, strong boundaries, and the deep happiness of the participants. If there is no freedom to be the best you can be, and the encouragement of your loved one to help you be that ‘best,’ then that is not a healthy match. Similarly, if there is the cost of boundary violation and the giving up of your rights to see, feel, think, and choose, and share your mind and heart as you wish, then that too is a poisoning relationship as well. If your partner does not recognize you firstly as a person and wish to be an interested willing audience to listen to you share whatever is on your heart, whenever it is on your heart, then that too is a failing match, and that ship also will someday sink. The surest sign of a bad relationship is if any partner asserts the relationship is more important than the happiness and deepest fulfillment of the partners in it. The final analysis is that relationships are to serve the persons in them to be the best they can be, and never, ever get in the way of that individual’s Soul Growth. If your relationships do not help you to understand your boundaries, create more freedoms for you, open more doors for you, and add to your individuality, then they are bad relationships. Relationships are to serve the partners in them: it is not the other way around. It is not the partners’ responsibility or moral obligation to serve the relationship, ever! If you or a loved one are involved in a bad relationship and seeking to heal it, there is help, and it can happen. Two people together can heal and turn a bad situation good, if they both will work hard at it. As you work on your issues, remember, your relationships are only an expression of what is inside of you. If you fix what is hurting inside you, you will attract other fixed people into your circle of experience, and you help other willing loved ones to heal as well. Changing and healing does not necessarily mean saying ‘goodbye’ to a loved one, for it may also mean saying ‘hello,’ for truly the first time! We talk more about signs of a bad relationship, and fixing what is inside of ourselves in our book, Overcoming Depression from Emotional Abuse/The Tools of Your Mind. In this book, we talk about the whole overview of our soul’s journey as we follow our heart’s dreams to our ultimate destiny. Our relationships are a part of that journey. We answer many questions about selfishness, prosperity, psychotherapy, and finding our dreams and happiness. We talk much about our boundaries. We also talk about the spiritual controls we have within to bring our good to us. Those controls are our Sincerity Switch, Spontaneity Switch, and lastly our Feelings and Dreams Switch. Thank you for visiting us today and please keep in touch, sharing your trials and your victories with us. We promise to answer personally every Email that we receive. Shayne and Lori North in Aurora, Colorado
Overcoming Depression from Emotional Abuse/The Tools of Your Mind The Book
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