Trying to recover from Emotional Abuse that has ruined at least 5 years of my life

by Hannah

All I can think is: I finally made it. I've finally had the guts to move house....but I still haven't gotten away. I'm still afraid of anything and everyone - and don't know if I'll ever get better.

I'm writing this to see if anyone else can offer advice, had a similar experience, in all honesty anything that could help me or offer support for others in similar situations. I'm so low at the moment and am beginning to give up really.

I was only 25 years old when a boyfriend nearly strangled me to death. I managed to get away (I undid my bindings and escaped out a window while he was smoking in kitchen - he thought I was dead).

I should have gone to counseling then, I guess. My mother at this point was supportive and stayed with me for the week after the assault - because I was too scared to be on my own.

She left to go back to her College course and I ended going into a refuge shelter because I was too scared he would come back.

Note: My mother had sold our family home and possessions to fund her college course and I was left with no-where to go at the time. I didn't know my father or his family after the divorce and my mother never told me about her past (so I don't know who her relations are). So all I had in the world was her.

So where does the Emotional Abuse come in? That happened 2 years later - the event just mentioned will hopefully explain why this happened to me, and how it could have got so bad. I became a fearful 'victim' of what a man could do to me. Prior to that incident, I had never even received a 'slap' off another human being - so, obviously, the world had suddenly became a very scary place.

I met Mr D while traveling. I was very poor and in a bit of a situation. He was great, listened to me, gave me advice, made me feel protected and, obviously very wealthy. He offered me a job that involved working from home, sourcing properties for sale and going to view them - as he was too busy to do so.

I jumped at the opportunity, but this is where my life starts to descend into chaos.

A couple to of months later, he asked me my financial situation, I told him I was in large amounts of debt (about $900) and was worried about debt collectors. He told me not to worry but that he could help me out and that I should never be afraid to ask for his help.

So, motivated by greed and the trying to find the easy way out of my problems, I took the money and promised to pay him back when I could.

Life took a turn for the worse, at this point I was beautiful and considered attractive by many. The 'gentlemen' I worked for was nearly 60 years old.

He started wanting to meet me everyday for meals or coffee, got angry if I didn't reply to his texts immediately. Always asking where I was.

I should have quit then, but (i know it sounds stupid) he would get threatening if I said I would quit - and I BELIEVED him.

I can't understand how it happened, but after a year, I lost contact with most of my friends became so heavily dependent on him. I stopped going out.

He paid my bills - insisted and would get angry and make ME feel bad if I refused - all the time saying I could pay him back whenever. He often boasted of his connections to criminal organizations.

He also started to nag me about having a sexual relationship - that it would be mutually beneficial for both of us. A 'business' arrangement and that he would clear some of my debt to him.

I refused him for nearly a year, before being so worn down and actually thinking he was suggesting a sensible solution to my problems (he was very clever in making bad actions actually seem normal) and gave into his demands (also out of fear because of the amount of money I owed). Note: even to this day I still can't bare a man touching me after what he did (or what I let him do - I feel so guilty like its all my fault - I know it is, but I still couldn't stop this happening to me - why?)

Even after that he still didn't seem happy. Nothing I did could please him - he said he was my mentor and acting like a father figure. His demands became more and more degrading. I was always wrong and I still believe that to this day.

I lost complete control of my life and even now, as a sensible and rational human being, I cannot for the life of me understand WHY???? I gained 5 Stone and, my confidence is non-existent.

The arrangement carried on for a further 3 years, during which time I got pregnant (he had no interest and insisted I went on holiday with him for a week of 'sex' - 2 weeks before he had my abortion booked). He said it was already booked and that it couldn't be canceled and that he would not accept my refusal because I let him down so many times before (I can't remember ever letting him down???) But I went anyway and was like the living dead - I did whatever he told me to do.

A close relative died - he still insisted on visiting me 3 times a week for sex during that time and told me to stop being sensitive when I was upset.

I had no thoughts, no feelings, no motivation. I can't understand how it happened???? I know part of the reason was out of fear - I was afraid of being physically hurt again and thought, he would definitely never let me go until I cleared my debt to him (which he kept adding to - regardless of whether I asked for help or not)

I know it sounds strange - but by now I could do nothing for myself I was completely dependent on him. I was not capable of thinking for myself and felt as if I deserved this, because I was such a bad person and that he was the only person able to help me. He was always giving good advice and genuinely seemed to be looking out for me.

I tried speaking to my mother but she had no interest - too busy with her own life (it had been like that since I was 9 years old).

Anyway, last year I finally had the guts to leave.

I found myself in a hospital ward, after cutting my wrists. I had survived, and for the first time in 5 years, I was out of contact with him - no mobile bleeping (I had to answer any texts sent by him within 30 mins (or less) or questions would be raised as to who are you with/what are you doing/where's your respect etc)

I was kept overnight and discharged the next day. I didn't go home. I walked across the seafront near my home and slept in the train station.

I went back to my house and started organizing a house move in secret. I never told him about the hospital - too afraid he would use it to crush whatever strength I had just gained. I knew from that moment I would never see him again. It was my decision and I would rather die than let him touch me again.

He called, knocked on my door at all hours. I still answered my phone to stop all hell breaking loose, but never saw him again.

I relocated to a different county, and have made a fresh start. However, I want to pay back the money (I insist, so he has no hold over me) and am still terrified for my life.

I called him once a month from a phone box in my old county to make sure he's not suspicious that I've left the area - and to make sure that he knows I'll pay back. I haven't recently, though.

I'm terrified. I owe him $10,000 - I calculated all the things he did over the last 5 years (He is a multi-millionaire, by the way).

I can't believe this has happened to me and that I let it happen to me - he used money to control me, and my greed allowed this to happen.

I still feel worthless and he tells me it's nothing to do with the money - he doesn't care if I pay it back or not but he just wants to know if I am OK, if he can help and he wants to visit. He says a 'friendship' is for life and he'll be very angry if I don't remain 'special friends' with him.

I'm losing my mind and feel I have no power, and that I'm worthless.

Oh god, what can I do. I don't know how to get away from him? Should I pay him back (its only to ease my own mind and sense of decency - if there's any left)

Will he find me? Will he hurt me if I ever meet someone else?

I feel my life is over.

Please someone help me.



Dear Hannah,

Thank you for sharing that deeply touching story. You have the difficult task of fighting your battle on two fronts. The first is in your living arrangements, and the second is in the emotional need in your heart. We cannot help with the first, your setting, but God will help with that, if you look around and reach out to your old friends.

The second area, in your heart's needs, we would like to share some opinion on.

To begin with, right now do not even think of paying this person back a dime of what you feel guilty in having borrowed from him. This predator is using his abundance to find emotionally needful women to prey upon, and you are probably one of many. He is using his wealth to create guilt in you-exactly what he wants. I am proud of you wanting to repay your debt, but you have the right to repay it on your terms, and that does not obligate you to further associations with him.


As far as worry if he will harm you, there is one source of help you have conveniently overlooked, (to maybe keep yourself a victim? Be honest!) and that is the police. the second he would contact you in any way inform him you are through and further contact will not be tolerated.



You have not let anyone down or disappointed anyone. You are a very precious soul, and have the right to a full life, with loving friends to surround you.


Promise me young lady that you will memorize that last sentence in first person, and say it ten times a day. Promise!

Your Guilt is unfounded and you have the right to feel good about yourself-period.

God bless you Hannah, and we pray for the deep happiness you so richly deserve.


Shayne and Lori North

This moment of sharing brought to you by:

Our Book Overcoming Depression from Emotional Abuse/The Tools of Your Mind.